


Cop Carole and Her Tentacled Stepson: A Cracky Klaine Advent Fic

by coffeegleek



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Crack, Cracky fun, F/M, Fun, Happy Ending, In a funny way, Light Angst, M/M, Science Fiction, Shameless Smut, Tentacles, cop carole, now with plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 20,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27864565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeegleek/pseuds/coffeegleek
Summary: Carole’s a cop. Kurt has a secret, but he’s not the only one. That's how it started out. Now it has more plot and a joyous ending. :D  In short, I wanted to write cop!Carole, tentacles, and something fun and cracky. This is the result. Some chapters have smut and some don't. Some have a little light angst, but most don't. Other Notes: I'm playing fast and lose with Glee's time line because it's not a complete retelling of the show. Minor characters have different professions than they do in canon. Nsfw stick figure art on the last chapter in case you're wondering what the tentacles look like.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Carole Hudson-Hummel/Burt Hummel
Comments: 56
Kudos: 21
Collections: Klaine Advent 2020





	1. Meet Carole, the Cop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more angst than I wanted in the first chapter. Sorry. It will get fun and cracky, I swear. TW: for bullying that results in an injury.

(abashed, brake)

⏤

Kurt rubbed his wrist, hoping the Neanderthals didn’t break it again. It was definitely sprained though. Thank goodness it was Fall and sweater weather. It would hide the brace he’d have to use. His dad didn’t need to know he was being picked on and beaten up in high school, same as he had been in junior high. He was abashed enough as it was given that it had happened right in front of his hopeless crush. Of course the idiot hadn’t stopped him being tossed in the dumpster, but at least he’d been willing to hold his Marc Jacobs coat. He’d searched for over a year for it and gotten it for a steal.

He tried to hold in his sigh as he waited for the assholes to leave so he could finally climb out, put ice on his wrist, and start working to get the stains out of his clothes. Tater tot grease and rotten bananas - the smell was bad enough. 

His ears perked up the sound of a car’s brakes screeching to a stop followed by a car door slamming and a woman’s voice; her yelling drowning out the laughter of his tormentors. Curiosity getting the better of him, he peaked over the side and watched the compact brunette middle-aged woman with a thing for denim jackets and jeans that belonged in the 80’s.

“Finn Hudson, what the hell are you doing? Did I see you do what you just did?”

“I didn’t do anything, Mom. I’m just standing here.”

“Standing there, letting your friends toss some poor kid into a dumpster? That’s aiding and abetting!”

Finn hated when his mom used words like that. They didn’t make any sense. “I didn’t bet on anything.”

“Ooh, someone’s in trouble with their mommy!”

“Yeah, Lunch Lady’s got an attitude!”

“She aint no lunch lady. She’s my little brother’s kindergarten teacher.”

“I thought Finn’s mom was a nurse?”

Carole shook her head and sighed as she glared at the three juvenile delinquents. Why the local judge kept letting them off she didn’t know. Being mistaken for anything but what she was had always been annoying, but after this long on the force, she was used to it. She pulled out her badge making sure each of them saw it. “That’s Officer Hudson to you. You’re going to apologize to this young man, swear you’ll never lay a hand on him again, or we’re going to have a long chat down at the station while his parents press charges.”

“Oh, shit, Finn’s mom’s a cop? Dude, I can’t get arrested again. They’ll send me down the river for sure.”

“My dad threatened to send me to that damn gay school in Westerville.”

“The one with the uniforms and the Garglers?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t have all day, boys. What’s it going to be?” Carole pulled out a pair of handcuffs and her cellphone, dialing the station with ease as she held her focused glare.

Kurt instinctively flinched as the jocks apologized to him, not missing any of their whispered slurs. When they finally left, he accepted Finn’s help out of the dumpster. His mom had made him, but it was still nice of him to do it. Trying not to be too obvious about his secret affections, he turned his grateful smile from the boy to his mom.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Officer.”

“What’s your name?”

“Kurt Hummel.”

“Do you want to go down to the station? I wasn’t lying when I said you could press charges. From the way you’re holding your wrist, I can see you’re not really fine. Do you want me to call an EMT while we’re waiting for your parents?”

Kurt couldn’t help but panic at those words. “Please don’t tell my dad! He’s a widower and he works too hard at his garage and his heart condition is bad enough.”

Carole put away her phone and handcuffs. The kid was shaking and the way he was hugging his coat, it wasn’t just his injury he was hiding and worried about. “It’s okay. We don’t have to call your dad. I’m a widower too and know how it feels to worry enough for two parents. Let me at least drive you home.”

“I have my own car.”

“Then I’ll follow you and make sure you get home safe and sound.” Carole pulled a business card from her wallet. “This is my private number. If you have any problems, including any with Finn, call me.” She was glad when Finn squirmed at her glare and apologized to the boy again. Her son was all height and no sense. 

“I will. Thank you!” Kurt couldn’t help but beam at the officer. Her threats wouldn’t keep his bullies away for long, but that wasn’t the most important thing. His crush’s mom was a widow. His dad was a widow. They definitely needed to meet.


	2. Enter Burt Hummel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's parent night at McKinley

(careless)

⏤

Was he being careless and too obvious trying to get his father and Finn’s mother to meet, fall in love, move in together, and get married just so he had a chance of getting to kiss and make out with a guy who thought his T Zone was in his pants? Yes. Maybe. Okay, definitely, yes, but he didn’t care. His own pants were getting restless. And he, Kurt Hummel, may be a little shy when talking about _those things_ , but damn it, he was still a sixteen year old boy. As was Finn. He just had a little extra going on behind his briefs.

That Finn wouldn’t accept that extra was something he refused to consider. His mother had fallen in love with his father and the fact that he had been born was proof that some people didn’t mind and even found it attractive. Besides, he didn’t know for sure that Finn’s mom didn’t have any Other DNA in her. Maybe Finn’s didn’t manifest somewhere obvious. Not that he’d had more than a very quick glance in the locker room after football practice. Auditioning for the role of kicker had its advantages even if it got him picked on more. 

For now, he needed to concentrate on the first part of his plan and stop his dad from eating too many non-organic cookies. Midwestern high school parent nights were a clogged artery waiting to happen. Finn’s mom was finally close enough to his dad. She was wearing her uniform instead of what she’d been wearing before, but he could work with that. It was showtime!”

“Dad, I’d like you to meet Officer Hudson. Officer Hudson, this is my dad, Burt Hummel. You both have dead spouses and my dad loves denim. You should talk!” 

⏤

“Officer, what brings you here?”

“I think my son shares some classes with yours. And it’s Carole, please.”

Carole shook the hand that was held out to her and took note of the Hummel Tires & Lube embroidered logo on the man’s work shirt. It was a shame his shop wasn’t on her beat. He was very easy on the eyes and had a sweet smile. Maybe she could get one of the mechanics at work to tell her how to acquire some minor engine trouble. 

“Did you just get off work or are you on duty soon?”

“Can you keep a secret?”

“My lips are sealed.”

Carole leaned in closer than she needed to, taking note of Burt’s aftershave. Sandalwood, her favorite. “It was my day off. I find the uniform adds a bit of intimidation. Makes the teachers and principal see me as more than a mom they can push over.”

“Personally, I don’t mind a little intimidation.”

Burt’s grin was as big as his son’s, only more handsome. This was definitely the most fun she’d ever had at a parents’ night.


	3. Once You Go Tentacles You Never Go Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt gets pissed, then mortified. Carole and Burt get it on. Starts out angsty, ends with hilarity. Rated M for Barole smut.

(Dispensable)

—

He was not dispensable, a thing to be thrown away when the small minded, hygiene deficient boys in glee club couldn’t handle his creative ideas. He’d show them. Kurt Hummel was not a box; there were more than four sides to him. 

Kurt stopped in his tracks as he stormed out of the choir room and McKinley itself. Wait. What? Stupid Lima public school education. He was not a box, a square, nor even a cube. He was a multidimensional being beyond their comprehension. 

Not that any of them deserved proof of his ability to contribute to the club beyond his far underused vocal range, but damn it, he wanted to win Sectionals too. His plan was simple. Go home. Change clothes. Spy on the Dalton Academy Warblers. Report back and rub it in their faces. 

—

“Are you going to arrest me, Officer? I swear I’m innocent.”

Carole eyed the handcuffs hanging out of her pants that had been hastily discarded along with the rest of her uniform. It was tempting, but not for this time. She wanted to get to know all of his body first - beyond what she’d groped during their previous make-out sessions. “Oh, Burt Hummel, despite that charming, handsome face of yours, I doubt you were ever truly innocent. How about you prove to me just how good you can be now and I’ll arrest you later?”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Carole stripped off Burt’s undershirt and boxers while enjoying the feel of her own undergarments being taken off in turn. Why they had bothered to keep them on in the first place was beyond her. She took a moment to take in her lover’s appearance and run her hands down his body, over his peaked nipples, stroking the two foot long, silky smooth, opalescent tentacles between them. The finger-thick appendages fondled her own breasts in return as Burt’s hands grabbed her ass.

Before her man could guide her down against him further, she pulled back, wanting to explore what she’d already felt wriggling among her labia and clitoris in the best of ways. She loved the moans Burt made in response to her fingers and mouth, stroking and licking not only his impressive cock, but the mass of shorter, thinner tentacles that framed it. Her partner Beiste had been right, she was not going to regret this at all.

“Condoms?”

“Top drawer.”

Carole leaned forward towards the nightstand, not minding one bit that Burt had taken advantage of the position and had begun licking and sucking her nipples, fondling her breasts that were now hanging over his face. It felt so damn good and it had been too damn long since she’d had sex of any kind.

After throwing back her head and moaning through what she knew would be the first of many orgasms, she relinquished the condom in her hand. She rose up just enough to give Burt the room he needed and watched as he rolled it on his long and thick member. “Is it okay if I ride you?”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way, Carole.”

“That’s Officer Carole to you.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

She kissed the man that was exceeding her dreams and sank down on him, letting out a string of nonsensical words and moans that blended with his. It wasn’t just the pleasure of his firm cock filling her, but of his tentacles twitching, touching, exploring, stroking her clitoris far better than any other person, vibrator, or her fingers had ever done. Even when she pumped up and down on his dick, the tentacles stretched and followed, never stopping the amazing things they were doing to her.

When Burt’s other tentacles, hands, and mouth were added to the task of pleasing the whole of her body, she was done for. “Oh, Burt! Oh, God! Oh, Goddesses! Fuck!”

—

“Oh, my god!” Kurt muffled his exclamation and went right back through the front door he’d just entered. 

How had he missed Carole’s patrol car out front? Now he was forever going to have the sound of her and his dad having sex stuck in his head. Loud sex. Loud, dual climatic sex - a thing no teenager should ever have to know about his dad and his dad’s girlfriend. And top it off, his dad had called her “Officer Carole” when he came. 

Oh, god, he needed brain bleach and to get as far away from his house as possible. Screw changing into something more closely resembling the Dalton uniform. Gray dress shorts and a jacket would have to do.


	4. Dalton Academy for Extraordinarily Cute Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt goes to spy on Dalton Academy. Burt worries for his son. Carole’s got this because she’s a parent too and a cop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research on police uniforms, but not a lot due to time constraints. No time for researching to get the “cop talk” right. Please just go with it. Still playing fast and loose with Glee’s timeline and canon in order to get to the happy parts. All the thanks to openinguptojoy1 for their help in getting Kurt’s vehicle right. Its first mention in chapter 1 has been fixed as well. Thanks to kanadabiscuits for their help with Wes’s line. <3

(Event)

—

“Kurt, is that you, Buddy?” Burt heard the door slam before he could finish getting the words out. All he could do was stand and look out the bedroom window watching as his son drove away.

“Honey, get away from the window before a neighbor reports you for indecent exposure. I may not mind the sight of your talented naked dick and tentacles, but they will.” Carole pulled on her underwear, thankful that they and her bra hadn’t gone too far astray. 

“I need to find my phone. What if he’s hurt? He never tells me, but I still know. A parent always knows, Carole.” Burt searched around and finally found what he was looking for under his boxers and the condom wrapper. 

“I doubt he’s hurt so much as traumatized over discovering his father has an active sex life. Want me to follow him?”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Carole kissed her Burt softy on his lips. “My shift doesn’t start for a couple of hours and Beiste can cover for me if I’m not back by then. I’m sure it’s nothing. Did you bring up your phone tracking app?”

Burt handed his phone over so Carole could see for herself.

“With the turn he just made, he might be headed towards US 33 East and Dalton Academy. Wouldn’t be the first kid who tried to seek refuge there. Don’t worry about a thing. I got this, Burt. Kurt’s going to be fine.” 

Carole put on her lightweight armour and then shirt before reaching for the radio mic attached to the epaulet on the shoulder and mic pac she had removed from her belt in order to keep it close to the bed. “Hey, Pillsbury, this is Officer Hudson. Can you get a traffic cam read for me on a black, 2009 Cadillac Escalade, license plate number ITK 3263? No emergency. Just helping out a worried parent is all. US 33 East? Thanks, that’s what I figured. Yeah, I’ll be in at eighteen hundred. Officer Hudson out.”

Carole buttoned up her shirt, pulled on her pants, socks, and boots, and retrieved her holstered and locked firearm from where she’d carefully stowed it along with her duty belt on top of the bureau on the opposite side of the room. Patting herself down she made certain that she wasn’t missing her billfold, badge, taser, and the handcuffs she definitely planned on using with Burt next time. 

Satisfied that all was in order, she turned to a no-longer pantless Burt, offering him a tight hug. “Go back to work, Burt. Maybe pick up the kid some noise cancelling headphones on your way there. I’ll call you when I know more. I promise.” She accepted his grateful kiss with a pleased and understanding smile.

As she started to exit the room, she turned back. “Mr. Hummel? You might want to buy a couple more boxes of condoms while you’re at the store.”

“Is that an order, Officer Hudson?”

“You bet your sweet ass it is.” Carole couldn’t help but give him a wink and a tip of her cap. “Don’t worry, Burt. I’m a cop. I told you, I’ve got this.”

—

Kurt swore he was seeing police cars everywhere now. “You’re not being followed. Snap out of it. Focus on the task. This is all from the trauma of hearing your dad and Officer Hudson having sex.” No matter how many times he repeated the words in his head, it wasn’t helping, so he turned up the volume on his _Wicked_ soundtrack and sang along louder than was safe for his vocal chords.

Entering Dalton Academy was far easier than he had assumed it would be. For such a fancy school, both inside and out, their security was just as bad as McKinley’s. Or maybe it was because there was some kind of event going on? Students were all rushing in the same direction and there was no way that many were taking the same class. 

As he was heading down a staircase that he had no idea how he’d ended up at the top of - this school was a damn maze of Escher proportions - Kurt finally managed to stop a boy with black hair and...oh, damn was he cute. Very cute. Very, very, very cute. Curse all the car singing and his nerves for going high and breathy as he asked the guy what was going on, giving his name, and pretending he was new here.

Blaine, that was adorable boy’s name, clearly didn’t believe that he went here, but there was no malice in his grin. The next thing Kurt is aware of, Blaine is taking his hand and they’re running down a hallway where time has slowed down because a boy is holding his hand. A cute, hot, handsome, gorgeous boy with perfectly styled hair is personally taking him to see a performance of the Warblers. Screw spying. Kurt Hummel is going to enjoy this moment and this guy for as long as he can.

Kurt is now a huge fan of Katy Perry. Teenage Dream, getting into a guy’s skin tight jeans and making love on a beach? Yes, please. Yes, to all of it as long as it’s with Blaine. Blaine who is clearly gay and serenading him. Blaine whose blazer has come unbuttoned and whose chest tentacles are pressing against his white dress shirt and moving along to the music in step with the rest of the Warblers. 

Damn, nearly all of them are cute, but he only has eyes for the one who just winked at him. Surely this is what they mean by love at first sight. Or lust. Maybe both. Definitely both. He is all a swoon and does not care.

All too soon the magic of the performance is over and Kurt knows he’s going to have to face the consequences of being caught for spying. Blaine doesn’t take his hand this time, but does touch his shoulder and arm and back as he and two of his fellow Warblers lead him to a student lounge. 

When Blaine hands him a cup of surprisingly good coffee, his tentacles make themselves known again and Kurt can’t help but blurt out, “Are you guys all…” 

“Gay? Well, I am, but Wes and David both have girlfriends.”

Damn, Blaine’s blush only adds to his attractiveness. “Um, not what I was going to ask, but that’s really good to know. Are you…” Again, he’s interrupted and while staring at three cute guys is nice, it’s starting to get frustrating and there’s only one he really wants to talk to.

“We’re not going to beat you up for spying. In fact, we thought it was kind of adorable.”

“Thank you, David. It’s David, right?”

“Yes.”

Kurt was about to wonder if David might not be bi or pan considering the smile he’d thrown at him when the other guy, Wes, speaks up.

“At least you weren’t as obvious as Vocal Adrenaline. They came in a group. As obnoxious as they were, the school’s zero tolerance policy prevented us from doing more than politely escorting them out.” 

“Not that we would beat anyone up, Kurt. You’re safe here.”

“Thank you.” Relieved to hear all of this, but still needing answers, Kurt took the opportunity of Blaine touching his hand again. With his right hand, he beat out a soft, patterned staccato on top of Blaine’s while staring directly into his eyes.

Blaine’s eyes widened in response. “Um, guys, could you give Kurt and I a few minutes alone, please?”

“Of course. Kurt, we keep up with the show choir blogs and have seen your group perform. A voice like yours shouldn’t be underutilized like that. If you ever decide to switch schools, the Warblers would love to have a countertenor. We haven’t had one since that tragic day back in 1927 when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of _Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy._ ”

“I am terribly sorry for your loss, Wes. And thank you, I’ll consider it.”

Finally, finally he and Blaine were left alone. Kurt took a sip of his coffee while Blaine fidgeted with his own cup and buttoned up his blazer when he realized his chest tentacles were anxious too.

“My mom taught more pinoy than she did the Other language, despite my grandmother’s insistence that I needed to learn both. You did ask if I was Other, right?”

“Yes. What did you think I might have said?”

Blaine leaned in close and Kurt joined him in that space. “I thought maybe you asked if I had tentacles around my intimate places. Around my dick to be exact.”

Kurt drew in a breath. Well, that was a vivid image and now his own dick and tentacles surrounding it were taking note of the words. The way his face was heating up too, there was no way his blush wasn’t obvious. “No, but I can understand the error. The phrasing is similar.”

“I’m assuming you are?”

“I wouldn’t know the language if I wasn’t.”

“Kurt, can I ask you a personal question?”

“More personal than this?” Kurt hated that his snark had slipped out. The guy was being nice and back to holding his hand. It was hard to focus and he really hoped the small table was hiding his body’s reaction to Blaine.

“I take it from all the layers you’re wearing and guardedness when Wes, David, and I took you aside that being Other isn’t accepted at your school?”

Well, that was a mood and erection killer. At least he knew it was safe to open with Blaine. “That and being gay. I get bullied for being gay the most. I don’t think anyone knows that I’m Other, though some suspect. My best friend, Mercedes found out by accident at a sleepover, but we really don’t talk about it. Of course my dad knows as he is too and his new girlfriend would have figured it out by now.”

“Did something happen with her?”

Blaine’s concern was sweet and heartfelt, but unnecessary in this particular case. “That’s a story for another day.”

“I’d love to hear it.”

Kurt shook his head vigorously. “No, no you wouldn’t. Is there any brain bleach for this coffee?”

“What?”

“Nevermind. You were saying this is a safe school? No one minds that you’re Other? You weren’t exactly hiding it when you were serenading me.”

“Was I that obvious?”

Kurt didn’t think he could ever get tired of Blaine’s smile. “Yes. Not that I minded at all.”

“So I noticed.”

And he was blushing again. Kurt pretended to look at his watch; a watch he wasn’t wearing. “Look at the time. I should get going.”

“So soon? Kurt, this really is a zero tolerance, no bullying school. I know it’s not cheap, but there are scholarships. You’d be safe here and accepted. I was when I transferred for the same reasons you would be.”

Kurt leaned forward again. He couldn’t help it. It was a survival instinct he’d learned early on. You didn’t talk about these things as openly as his new friend was. “Is Dalton a gay and Other school?”

Blaine’s smile was back. “I asked that too when I first came here. It’s not. There’s not even that many of us enrolled. It’s simply that the founders and administration recognize that being Other is simply part of the DNA of this planet. Some people have it in their genetic code. Some don’t. All the speculation about whether or not it was from an alien visitation or the comets that wiped out some of the dinosaurs doesn’t matter. Personally, I think our DNA evolved long before the first dinosaur and homosapiens lines. My brother prefers to think he’s part dinosaur even though his tentacles are so small he can do shirtless scenes with minimal special effects makeup.”

“Your brother’s an actor?”

“I’ll tell you that story when you tell me yours.”

Blaine’s winks were going to kill him. Kurt was about to ask another question when a soft chime sounded.

“That’s the bell for lunch and my teacher in the class after it is strict about being tardy. Give me your phone and we can exchange numbers.”

Kurt eagerly handed his phone over and typed his own number into Blaine’s. His first number from a boy who had asked for his first. Mercedes was going to love this!

Blaine led him back outside to his car and their exchange of goodbyes and I’ll text you soons was more than memorable. Kurt knew he’d be replaying it over and over the whole way back to Lima.

—

Carole watched the exchange from her squad car, grateful that she nor her partner kept binoculars in the glove box at all times. She dialed Burt’s number as Kurt drove away. 

“Burt, from the grin on your son’s face when a cute Dalton boy walked him to his car and kissed him on the cheek, I’d say everything is fine. At least for now. Has Kurt ever considered a career in law enforcement? Our precinct has some connections to Dalton and there’s a scholarship set up just for kids who do.”

Carole replied to her boyfriend’s concerns and reassured him once again. “I’ll make sure he gets back home or to school safe. Don’t you worry. Are we still on for Friday? Great. See you then. Can’t wait for a repeat of this afternoon.” 

She laughed at Burt’s intake of air and muttered promise that he’d go buy more condoms. He was a great man and a loving father. The fact that he was amazing in bed was the icing on the cake. Carole put her vehicle into gear and drove out of Dalton’s parking lot to follow through on her own promise.


	5. A Date with a Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt Hummel goes on his very first date with Blaine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was harder to write than I thought it would be. I tried my best on a busy day. Sorry for no Carole.

(farm)

—

Kurt Hummel is going on a date with a boy. A cute boy. A gay boy. A gay boy who also has Other DNA. And all of that combined means two sets of tentacles, two dicks, two mouths, four hands, two _lower places_ he’s not ready for yet, and enough masturbatory material to last him a month at least and get him hard right now. Maybe he should have jerked off in the shower. He needs to focus and get ready for his date. His date with a gay Other boy who asked for his number and then asked him out.

And that’s not helping. There’s no way he’s going to get his moisturizing routine done when he’s thinking about sliding a hand along Blaine’s assuredly perfect cock and Blaine sliding his hand and tentacles across his own eager parts. 

Kurt gives up trying to will the thoughts away and steps back into the shower stall, caving to his hormones. He grasps his erection, the organic lotion he purchased from a local dairy farm providing the perfect lubrication. It doesn’t take many strokes from his hand and tentacles that he’s been playing with as well, before he’s coming.

A quick rinse and he’s able to get back to getting ready for his date. 

—

Blaine is perfectly charming. Charming, handsome, kind to both himself and the baristas, a generous tipper, proud of who he is, and not afraid to take his hand even though they’re in a public place. Sure it was at a small table in a less populated area of the Lima Bean, but still where strangers and a few people Kurt knows can see them.

Kurt learns exactly who Blaine’s brother is when both of their phones go off with the same ringtone. 

Kurt laughs. “So you have a crush on the Free Credit Rating Dot Com guy too? Tina insisted that I set it as my ringtone for her, and to be honest, I didn’t mind at all.”

“Eww! No! That’s my brother.” Blaine mutes his phone immediately. The last thing he needs is more of his brother on this date. 

“Well that’s unfortunately embarrassing. Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Kurt. Lots of people find Cooper attractive.”

“Cooper with the shorter…” At Blaine’s nod of affirmation, Kurt continues. “Well that’s another negative in his column then. You’re definitely the cuter brother.” The blush he receives for the compliment is totally worth having to cross off number fifty-five and fifty-six off of his bucket list.

Kurt tries to pretend he doesn’t see that they’re starting to get some dirty looks thrown their way, but eventually Blaine notices too. The last thing he wants is his perfect date to be ruined by homophobic assholes.

“Do you mind if we take this back to my place? You can tell me all about Dalton. My dad had to move our standing Friday night dinner to today because of his girlfriend’s work schedule, and you’d be more than welcome to join us.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t be imposing.” Kurt leans closer to Blaine. “I don’t want our date to end yet. Unless you wanted it to? Sorry, maybe I’m assuming and making things up in my head.”

“I don’t want this date to end yet either and would love to join you for dinner, Kurt. I’ll follow you in my car after I text my mom and let her know where I’ll be.”

“Thank you.”

“It’ll be more than my pleasure.”

Damn, Blaine’s eyes and grin and that sultry lilt when he said, 'my pleasure,' and the fact that they’re in a public place. Kurt can’t wait to get home and hopes his dad isn’t there yet. He really wants his first kiss with a boy and for that boy to be Blaine and for it to happen tonight. On the couch, on his bed, it doesn’t matter. He’s grateful for the layers because his mind is starting to wander again.

Forcing himself out of such thoughts for now, Kurt stands and gathers up his empty cup and the paper plate their shared cookie had been on. “Let’s go!”


	6. Friday Night Saturday Night Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friday night dinner on Saturday with the fam. (The beginning of it at least.)

(grey)

—

“ _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
You make me happy when skies are grey  
You'll never know dear, how much I love you  
Please don't take my sunshine away_.”

“I love that song. Don’t know what made me think of it. Guess I’m just happy.” Kurt gave a coy grin over his shoulder as he let Blaine into his house. His flirting was so spot on. Blaine wouldn’t be able to resist asking to be his boyfriend. Or maybe he would ask him. All was fair and equal when you were in love and gay.

“Did you know there are other words to the song?”

“What? No, there’s not. That’s the song. You just repeat it a bunch of times. My mom would sing it to me all the time when I was little. She told me I was her little ray of sunshine and made her days brighter.”

“ _The other night dear, as I lay sleeping  
I dreamed I held you in my arms  
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken  
So I bowed my head and I cried._

_I'll always love you and make you happy,  
If you will only say the same.  
But if you leave me and love another,  
You'll regret it all some day_.”

“Blaine Anderson, you have officially ruined my childhood.”

“There’s one version with an additional verse about the woman leaving him.”

“I would too if I were her because she clearly has her reasons.” Blaine’s scrunchy, apology face was not helping. How was he supposed to flirt now with this kind of material to work with? Maybe he should go change into tighter pants. Pretend he spilled something on them. Something sexy and soothing like warm milk to remind Blaine of other things that were white and came from a place hidden by pants.

“I don’t think it was meant to be interpreted that way, Kurt.” 

“You boys both sound great.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Kurt hugged his dad as he and Blaine entered the kitchen, surprised to find Officer Hudson there as well this early. He didn’t think she was supposed to come over until Finn got out of football practice. He glanced around for any signs that the two adults, who should know better, had been defiling the countertops or kitchen island; relieved when he didn’t find any. Thankfully, they seemed to be keeping it to his dad’s bedroom where such things belonged. Things that weren't fully cancelled out by the headphones his dad had bought him.

“Absolutely lovely.”

“Thank you, Officer Hudson.”

“Kurt, I told you, when we’re in private, it’s Carole.” Carole returned Kurt’s ready smile. He was a sweet kid. Burt had done a great job raising him. And in cleaning up the evidence of what they’d finished doing only minutes before the boys arrived home earlier than expected. Thank the gods she’d worn only denim jeans and a blouse today. Having to put back on all of her gear that quickly after Burt had lifted her up onto the countertop and thoroughly debauched every inch of her favorite erogenous zones wouldn’t have been possible. She couldn’t wait to return the favor with her own talented mouth and tongue. 

Kurt turned to his guest and made proper introductions. Blaine tainting memories of his mother or not, he was still a gentleman. “Office Hudson, Dad, this is Blaine Anderson, the friend I’ve been telling you about.”

“It’s very nice to meet you both, Mr. Hudson, Officer Hummel. Kurt’s only had wonderful things to say about you both.”

Burt shook the hand the young man held out to him and Carole. No wonder his son was a goner. Hummel men fell hard and fast. Hummel fathers also knew how to tease their kids. “Nice to finally meet the boy Kurt’s been gushing about non-stop these past two weeks.”

“Dad!” 

Carole laughed along with Burt at Kurt’s blushing reaction and Blaine’s hopeful smile. Those two were smitten to the core. At Kurt’s silent plea to her to change the subject, she indulged him. “Kurt, did you know that many nursery rhymes are also not as nice as children are led to believe?”

While he was grateful that Carole had rescued him, Kurt couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He had hoped they would talk about something more mature such as the fact that they both procured their produce via a local farm’s CSA program. Still, he went along with it - in his own way, pushing to move things along to better subjects. “Everyone knows about _Ring Around the Rosie_.”

“I’m talking about the others. _Jack and Jill,_ the racist ones I won’t say by name. _Mary Mary Quite Contrary_ is about Queen Mary I of England being a homicidal sadist. Silver bells and cockle shells were devices of torture, not flowers.”

“Oh, my god! You’re supposed to be an officer of the law protecting people, not ruining their childhoods further!” Kurt looked to his father for help, but the man was only chuckling. This was not how his date was supposed to go. He grabbed Blaine’s hand and tugged on it. “Come on, Blaine, let’s go to my room. It’s safer there.” 

When the boys were most assuredly locked in Kurt’s basement bedroom and the Broadway cast recording of _Wicked_ started blasting from one of their phones, Carole turned to Burt with a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goddess they’re finally gone. If Kurt had wanted to start making dinner now, I didn’t know how I was going to keep hiding the fact that I’ve had my underwear balled up in my left hand this entire time.”

Burt leaned in and kissed up Carole’s neck until he reached her ear. “Maybe next time don’t wear any.”

“Burt Hummel, you are a filthy, filthy man and I love it. Good thing I brought the handcuffs with me to use on you later tonight.”

“Looking forward to it, Officer Carole.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look what I learned while looking up the lyrics to “You Are My Sunshine” and then the nursery rhymes I hadn't heard horrors about. I am just as devastated as Kurt. Didn’t think this chapter would start out this way, but I got the idea in my head for the song when I saw the word “grey” and just rolled with it.


	7. Kurt Hummel Master of Seduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friday Night Saturday Night Dinner continues with more of baby penguin Kurt’s attempts to woo Blaine with his seductive ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best to move the plot along and it ended up longer than I’d planned. Sorry about that. Starts with light angst; ends in fun.

(history)

—

Kurt didn’t have any problems admitting to himself and Blaine that he really enjoyed having Carole over for Friday night dinner. It was her fourth today and Finn’s third. The first time was awkward for all of them, but not as bad as it could have gone. 

Fortunately, his brief crush on Finn was history best to be forgotten. While the guy had started treating him better at school, he had also tried asking a squirrel sitting on one of the classroom’s window sills for an answer on a math test. Cheating by squirrel. Even Mrs. Hagberg couldn’t bring herself to fail him for the attempt and simply told him to keep his eyes on his own paper and his mouth shut. 

Besides, he had Blaine now, who was much better than Finn would have ever been. 

Carole was sweet, kind, and gave off full nurturing mother vibes even when she was in uniform and explaining her rules regarding her firearm and the other equipment she carried on her person. 

Her story about a sexist creep who had more muscles than sense and had grabbed her baton and ass and had ended up “flipped like a pancake” was hilarious. Everyone had laughed until he’d made the mistake asking her to teach him the move. 

Kurt knew his face gave away his emotions and that his dad had figured out he’d skipped school more than once to visit Dalton Academy. Instead of getting grounded or being forced to have yet another fruitless meeting with Principal Figgins and the parents of his tormentors, his dad and Carole had presented him with brochures for Dalton and an application for a scholarship offered by the Central Lima Association of Police.

“The CLAP? Really?”

“Given how many at the station have had it at some point, it’s fitting.” Carole had turned to his dad, meeting his unspoken question with a verbal reply, “I haven’t. I know better than to dip my goods into the company pool. My partner though? That was a mistake he regretted.”

“Don’t look so glum, Kid. I know you have dreams of Broadway and nothing and no one is going to hold you back there. Consider this an addition to your skill set, same as how you’re a damn fine mechanic and kicker. Carole even brought you something to help you go into your method process thing you like to do to get into character.”

“The character of a guy who wants to be a cop?” Kurt scrunched up his nose at the idea, but his dad was trying to meet him on his own terms. He had to give him credit for it and loved him for trying. 

“More roles than that in law enforcement.”

Carole had gotten up from the table, retrieved a bag from the living room, and pulled out the contents for him to see. 

“Is this real?”

“It was a few years ago. They’ve changed the uniform since then, so don’t go trying to impersonate an officer with it. Serving jail time is a great way to not win the scholarship.” 

“I won’t. I promise.”

Carole had winked at him, trying to lighten the mood. It had only semi-worked. He really needed and wanted to transfer schools for more reasons than Blaine and a better education.

—

Two weeks later, his applications for both the scholarship and Dalton Academy were turned in thanks to the help of Carole and Blaine giving him a lot of pointers on what to say and his dad making him toast on the times it all became too daunting.

Kurt didn’t know how Blaine could have resisted the urge to kiss him after his flawless rendition of _Defying Gravity_ and nailing the high F. His cooking skills and witty banter with Carole as they made dinner together, had made Blaine smile at him, but hadn’t produced the heart eyes he had been hoping for. Nor had trying to eat the farm fresh, perfectly seasoned and sauced meal seductively. That had only achieved in Finn asking him if he had gas because he was making weird faces.

When dinner was over, everyone had decided to take a break before dessert was served. His dad, Carole, and Finn had turned on some sports game he didn’t care about and Blaine had already seen. Kurt knew this was his chance to pull out all the stops. 

—

With his best innocent smile and carefree, yet mildly seductive eyes, Kurt retrieved the police uniform from his closet and offered Blaine a place to sit upon the bed. “You don’t mind if I change in front of you, do you? I’m sure you see boys in flagrante in the locker room all the time at Dalton.”

“Not really. I decided not to do fencing this year.”

Kurt was glad he had worn his best, form-fitting briefs, but not his tightest pair pants. Wiggling out of his current pair of jeans had almost caused him to show more than he was willing to at the moment. His first kiss, making out, and a little light groping he was ready for. Full nudity though? That was reserved for private times between himself and images of Taylor Lautner in a dewy meadow. And pretending that it was Blaine’s hand and tentacles stroking him to orgasm in the shower this morning when he was getting ready for his date. And once last week he had awoken to a very happy dream of himself, Blaine, and Taylor in a very risque tangle on a picnic blanket. 

He and his hormones wanted sexy times with Blaine; the feel of fingertips stroking over his clothes would be enough for now. And for all of his wanting, Kurt was too chicken to turn around to gauge Blaine’s reaction to his hard-earned ass and thighs until he was fully dressed again and had positioned himself appropriately. Clothes did make a man after all. Only when the uniform was on and almost all of the buttons on the shirt were done up was it game on. If Blaine didn’t fall for him after this, he’d give up. 

Kurt turned from side to side and then around, straining to see himself from all angles in the full length mirror. “What do you think, Blaine? Could you see me as a cop? Carole gave me an old uniform that Finn had used for Halloween a few years ago. The scholarship also applies to those going into politics with an emphasis in law and social justice. Maybe I could say I want to major in that instead. I really want to go to Dalton and this scholarship is the only way I can.” When he didn’t receive an answer, afraid he looked hideous and had failed yet again, he turned to face his crush. 

His crush who was sitting cross legged on the bed, staring at him, mouth agape.

“Blaine? Cop or no cop? Maybe they’d let me tailor the pants, take them in so they’re not quite as unflattering.” Kurt tugged at the fabric so that it was taught against the ass and tighter at the front, turning slowly around in order for Blaine to get a full view of both sides.

Blaine let out a gasp and whine. “Cop. Definitely cop.”

“You really think so?” Kurt moved closer to the bed, subtly making certain that he was standing directly in front of his handsome date. The reaction in Blaine’s pants was definitely promising. Being pulled in closer and Blaine letting out another strained whine as their cloth covered tentacles reached out for each other, straining beyond their hardening cocks was all the confirmation Kurt needed that his sexy advances had worked and Blaine was on board. 

Still, he asked just to be sure. “Is it okay if I kissed you?” 

“I’d be very upset if you didn’t.”

So Kurt did and Blaine kissed him back and it was more perfect than any of his first kiss fantasies had ever been. After they came up for air, it was agreed that laying down on the bed to continue making out would be a far better position than they were currently in. 

And it was. It was wonderful. Kurt Hummel was making out with a boy whose lips and tongue were doing amazing things to his own lips, tongue, and neck. They agreed that no hands would go south of the equator and clothes would stay on. Their chest and lower region tentacles however strained to be released from their fabric confines and touch in full. Kurt would have fantasies about both that and feeling Blaine’s erection more than once against his own. 

All of it was sheer bliss until his dad knocked on his bedroom door and told him it was getting late and that Blaine should get home. 

A less mature him would have protested and said that it wasn’t fair since his dad’s girlfriend got to sleep over. But he was experienced now and if he was going to get more in, he’d have to comply. At least his dad wasn’t one of those old fashioned, sexist types who made him keep his door open. He’d even given him a thoroughly embarrassing sex talk that came with phamphlets, a box of condoms and a bottle of lube last week. 

After calling up to his dad and letting him know they’d be up in a minute, Kurt turned to Blaine knowing exactly why he’d let out a whine of frustration. “Think of boobs, Blaine. Big, jiggly, naked boobs. That always does it for me.”

“I only want to think of you, Kurt.”

Kurt caved and let Blaine kiss him and pull him back in close. 

The knocking on the door was more intense this time. “Kurt, get up here or I’ll take away those new headphones and your car keys.”

“And, that’ll do it.” Kurt could feel his erection dying into non-existence. Blaine’s still wasn’t going away and while he was frankly proud of the reaction he’d caused in his boyfriend, he knew what had to be done. 

“Come on, Blaine. Either put your cardigan over it or think of vaginas or the sound of your parents having sex. If we don’t leave the room now, my dad will come back.”

“Don’t say come, Kurt.”

“Last warning, Kurt.”

“Coming, Dad!”

Eventually, Blaine rolled off the bed and hand in hand they trudged upstairs. If his own erection hadn’t been gone, seeing Carole smile at him and Finn leaning over the couch to give him a thumbs up certainly would have. At least he got to kiss Blaine at the door and then again after he walked him to his car.

Kurt Hummel was a master seducer and this was officially the best day and date ever.


	8. Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just the Uniform?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt tries on his Dalton Academy uniform

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished all 27,630 words of my fic, A Nest in Flight, at 4 am this morning. I can’t believe I had any brain cells left to write for Klaine Advent. It’s one of those “need a vat of coffee” days. Also, thanks to my brain for loving the Lands End school uniform catalog and the simplicity, colors, and garment pieces of uniforms in general. I knew exactly where to go for fabric research.

(inconclusive)

—

“So, Kurt, what do you think? Do you like the Dalton uniform?”

Kurt looked down at himself and then to the mirror attached to Blaine’s dresser. Then he shrugged his shoulders and flexed his joints trying to get a better feel of how it fit and looked on him. He still wasn’t sure. “Inconclusive. I’m honestly surprised that most of it isn’t made out of polyester. The necktie and poly-wool blend blazer I can understand. Discovering the slacks were a high quality cotton twill was nice.”

“They changed those this year. Too many guys complaining about chafing.”

“You mean too many boys going commando. I can see the appeal. No underwear lines.” Kurt smoothed down the fabric covering his ass, making sure it was facing his boyfriend. He had briefs on, but letting Blaine imagine he didn’t would hopefully lead to some making out later.

Kurt shrugged off his blazer, draped it neatly across a chair, and held up another uniform piece that was emblazoned with the Dalton Academy logo. “Vest or no vest? Fine gauge modal cotton or not, it’s still a sweater vest. On the other hand, it would cover…”

Blaine could see where Kurt was staring at his chest. He had foregone an undershirt and in his nervous state, one of his chest tentacles was trying to wiggle its way out between two of the dress shirt’s buttons and around the navy and crimson necktie. “Kurt, you don’t have to worry about hiding the fact that you’re Other at Dalton. During Warblers performances, you wouldn’t be allowed to wear the vest anyway.”

“You don’t think it’s obscene?” 

“There is nothing obscene about who we are, Kurt. Unless…”

“Unless what?”

Blaine couldn’t help but tease his boyfriend a little. “Unless you plan on having your fly open and expose your penis and pubic tentacles.”

“No.” Kurt smirked at Blaine and then tried and failed to get his tentacle to obey. If he was on the bed with Blaine, that would be different. Great, now the other one was following the first. Stupid hormones. 

Giving up, he picked up the navy blue cardigan and put it on in front of the mirror. It was hopeless, “I look like a twelve year old milkmaid.”

“An adorable twelve year old milkmaid.”

“Wait. What?”

Blaine shuddered. “Yeah, that was creepier than I intended. Sorry.”

Kurt stripped off the cardigan, loosened his tie, undid a couple of buttons, and then mussed up the front of his hair. Satisfied with his new image in the mirror, he turned around, “How about now?”

“Completely against dress code, but it’s my favorite.” Blaine got up on his knees and tugged Kurt closer to the bed so that he could kiss him. “I love a man in uniform.”

Kurt moaned at the sensation of Blaine’s lips kissing their way down from behind his ear to his neck and the ever-growing expanse of exposed skin. With deft fingers, he began to unbutton Blaine’s own shirt and this time mentally encouraged his tentacles to explore outside of their clothing confinement and mingle with Blaine’s. How could he regret being Other when it made him feel this good?

—

“Kurt, could you come down here, please? There’s police officers here to see you.” Pamela Anderson was worried. What had her son gotten himself into with this boy? Kurt had seemed so sweet, but one could never tell. If the police were here, he clearly had some kind of record already. Was that the real reason he was transferring to Dalton Academy? Was he kicked out of his old school? Was this part of his probation? And her Blaine had clearly fallen head over heals and believed every lie the kid had told him.

Kurt tried to hurry down the stairs and button up his hastily thrown on uniform dress shirt at the same time. He was doing neither successfully. Blaine was right behind him, having less success pulling the gym T-shirt over his head. Worse, he hadn’t managed to get both arms through before they reached the bottom of the stairs. Not that he could blame either of them. Blaine’s mom had sounded frantic.

All the color in his face drained away when he saw the two police officers. “Car...Officer Hudson, Officer Beiste, Is something wrong? Is my dad hurt? Is he in the hospital? Please don’t tell me he’s dead.”

“Kurt, Sweetie, calm down. Your dad is fine. It’s just that you haven’t been answering your phone and you were supposed to be home three hours ago. Your dad was worried and I told him I’d stop by.”

“Oh, thank god. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I guess my battery died. I just came over to show Blaine that it was official and I got my uniforms. And, um, I guess I got distracted.”

Carole couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. “I can see that. Why don’t you go get dressed properly and gather your things. Then I’ll escort you home so that you don’t become _distracted_ again.”

“Are you going to use the sirens and lights?”

“Do you promise not to scare your father like this again?”

“Yes. Yes, Ma’am.”

Pam looked between the police officers and the boys, then back to the officers. “Wait a minute, please. Officers, you’re not here to arrest Kurt?”

“Mom!”

“Blaine, you’re too trusting. You want to see only the good in people. How was I supposed to know your new boyfriend wasn’t like those other boys in the Warblers last year and nearly got you suspended?”

“Mom, Kurt’s not like that at all!”

Carole was good at her job and part of that involved diffusing situations before they got out of hand. “Ma’am? I can assure you that Kurt’s record is clean and I can vouch for him personally. I’m dating his father who became concerned when he didn’t come home on time. This is part of my route and I told Burt my partner and I would stop by given that we were out on patrol. It’s nothing but a matter of two teenage boys letting their hormones run away with them. I have a son of my own. This thing happens all the time.”

“Oh, my god!”

“Some think of me as a god, Kurt, but like I told you, it’s Officer Hudson when I’m in uniform. Why don’t you do as I asked and go get dressed properly. Have Blaine give you your shirt back too unless his last name suddenly became Hummel overnight.”

Kurt could feel his face heating up more than he thought possible. Not only had Blaine put his gym shirt on backwards, but “HUMMEL” was clear as day on the upper back. He cursed prep schools and their need to go all out on their uniforms. 

He was never going to live this down. Carole would tell his dad and his dad would buy him more condoms. Condoms he didn’t need quite yet. His mortification was so great, it was going to take a month before he’d be able to get another erection. Not knowing what else to do, but obey the order, he grabbed his boyfriend’s hand and led them back upstairs.


	9. Hummel Tires & Lube

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hummel men are excellent at fixing cars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make no apologies for this chapter.

( join )

—

“So you just join this hose to this connector, tighten the clamp, and you’re good to go. Got that, Blaine? I don’t know how this hose fell off in the first place. It almost looks like it was yanked off.”

“Uh huh.” Blaine gulped for a breath in order to reply. He had no idea what Kurt had just done to his car. All he knew was that he desperately wanted and needed more of it. “Do you think you could look for more loose hoses? I thought I saw one deeper in the engine assembly thing.”

“No problem. At Hummel Tires & Lube, we like our customers to be happy and satisfied with their service.” With a knowing smile, Kurt leaned further into Blaine’s Prius, grateful that he’d tailored his coveralls for a more snug fit, and not minding for once that he was covered in smears of grease. 

“Just a little more...and there. Your fluids are all topped off, Officer Hudson. You’re good to go.”

“Can you check the wires? From the way the engine has been acting, I’m sure there’s a wire loose. Maybe a spark plug?”

Burt turned his head so he could see his girlfriend better from where he was leaning on the frame of her squad car, the hood still open. “Modern plugs are different and the ones on this model are meant to last a long time.”

“Are you certain? It is a police vehicle, not just any old car. It gets a lot of use on these wily streets of Lima.”

“Then it’s a good thing there are officers of the law to protect us citizens. I’ll check your plugs just to be sure.” Burt refused to deny this beautiful strong woman anything she wanted.

“It’s a good thing there are mechanics like you to keep engines running.” Carole bit her lip as Burt returned to focusing on the engine, his coveralls tightening across his gorgeous ass. If she wasn’t in uniform and if there weren’t other people around, she would have grabbed it. For now, all she could do was appreciate the view.

Finn walked into the shop through an open bay door. His mom had said to meet her here after practice and then they’d all go over to Breadstix together. Which was good because he was hungry. When he finally spotted his mom, Burt, Kurt, and Blaine, he was confused. They were talking to each other like he heard in one of the pornos he’d watched. Did the lube in her new boyfriend’s garage mean something else? Was it really a front for some kind of sex shop? He was going to have to ask his mom sometime because he wasn’t sure that cops were allowed to date sex workers. 

Not sure what to do, but knowing how uncomfortable it was when your balls got tight and the sex you were having got interrupted so you weren’t allowed to come even though you really, really wanted to, he went to the waiting room and pulled out his phone. There was a new level of Angry Birds he wanted to beat and he had no problem wasting some time that way. Kurt and Blaine were cool dudes and he didn’t want to ruin their fun. Burt was cool too, but there was no way he wanted to think about old people sex and definitely not when it involved his mom.


	10. Found Families

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burt has a heart to heart talk with Kurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got more sappy and full of feels than funny. Sorry. The lame joke about flannel is one my spouse made years ago.

( knit )

—

“I don’t need another sex talk, Dad.”

“Who said I was giving you one of those?”

“You made me toast.”

“And I made you toast when you were sick, when you were stressed out on Dalton applications and essays, and last night when you were up all night studying about Charlemagne.”

Kurt picked at the edges of his lightly buttered toast, glancing at his dad who was fidgeting almost as much as he was. “Okay. What is it about then? You seem nervous.”

Burt took off his cap and rubbed his head before taking a deep breath and letting it out. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with. “Carole and I have been talking and we feel it’s time to knit our families together. Her lease is up and we’ve got the room here. You and Finn are getting along better now that you’re at Dalton and Carole put the fear of God and juvie into him and those friends of his. We both agreed that you and Finn should get a say because you two matter. This would be a change for all of us.”

“Are you going to get married?”

“Would you mind if we did?”

“I like her the best out of your other girlfriends.”

“They were dates, Kurt. Not girlfriends. And you never liked a single one. None of them felt right for me or our family.”

“I didn’t mind your last one until she insisted that plaid was the fur of animals who died horrible deaths.”

“Yeah, I hate to sound sexist, but she was a bit of a ditz. But Carole...Carole is something else. She’s smart, funny, kind, strong, cares deeply, and is passionate in so many ways.” Burt couldn’t help but feel a little sad when he looked at his son. It had been just the two of them for eight years. The kid shouldn’t have had to lose his mother that young. “I will always love your mom, Kurt.”

Kurt took his dad’s hand. “It’s okay to love Carole too, Dad. I like her too.”

“Does that mean you’re on board?”

“Do I get to help plan the wedding?”

“I never said I was going to marry her.”

“I’m thinking autumn colors.”

“You’ll have to ask her when I do propose. I wanted to wait until I was sure she was moving here and see how things settled in.” Burt took a piece of toast off his kid’s plate. First hurdle down. Now for the second. “We need to talk about living arrangements.”

“I don’t have to share a room with Finn do I?”

“Well that’s the thing, Bud. With just the two of us it wasn’t a problem letting you have most of the basement to yourself, but now with Carole and Finn coming in, they’re going to need space for their own stuff. Carole’s got memories of her husband in boxes same as I got of your mom, and it’s not right to force her to put them into a storage unit. As I see it you’ve got three choices. One, move back to your old room. Two, move to that spare room we’ve been storing stuff in. Three, you and Finn split the basement. We can put up a partition or something.”

A horrible realization occurred to Kurt. “My old room is right next to yours.”

“So? You never had a problem with that when you were a kid.”

Kurt stared at his plate, his face heating up as he mumbled out his question.

“What was that?”

“I didn’t know what those noises were that you and mom used to make. Now I do. I want the other room. It’s further away and has a walk-in closet.”

“Those noises, Kurt are perfectly natural.”

“You promised there wouldn’t be a sex talk, Dad!”

“Kid, all four of us are going to have to accept that it’s a thing people do, and as an expanded family, we’ll just have to get used to it. Carole’s shifts change around a lot and with it being busier at the shop, scheduling intimate time for when you kids aren’t home won’t always be possible.”

Kurt brought his fingers to his ears and started humming. He’d already heard enough of his dad and Carole’s personal times. He didn’t need the reminder nor it described in further detail.

Burt swatted one of his son’s hands away from his ear. The sooner he got this talk done the better for all of them. “Kurt, you think I haven’t heard noises comin’ from your room when Blaine’s over? And Finn’s got a girlfriend. Telling you two that you can’t have your significant others over wouldn’t be right. There will be ground rules though.”

“Like what?”

“No overnight sleepovers until you’re eighteen or unless you’re having a slumber party and everyone is in the same room together. Use condoms and the pamphlets said lube is really important too. I bought you both kinds you’re supposed to use for the different things.”

Kurt was sure his face was on fire now. “I don’t need…”

“When you do feel you’re ready to do those things, use the lube and condoms and let me know when you need more and if you ever feel you need to get tested or think you might have injured something.”

“Oh, my god.” Kurt closed his eyes and hid them with a hand. His dad was a liar. If he had more pamphlets, he didn’t want to see them. 

“Remember that you matter. Respect your partner and make sure they respect you. Respect this family. No wild shenanigans that everyone can hear.”

Kurt perked up at this and then shrank back into himself. “I want better headphones.”

“I got you perfectly fine ones.”

“Please don’t make me say it, Dad.”

Burt caved. He was aware enough to admit there were times he and Carole had gotten pretty loud. Too loud if Kurt had heard them over his headphones and music playing. “Help me move those boxes down to the basement and help Carole and Finn move in and you’ve got yourself a deal. Pick them out and let me know how much money you need. Nothing too outrageous though.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey, Kurt? Thanks for agreeing to this. I don’t know why I got so lucky finding two women who love me. If Carole wasn’t special, I wouldn’t be here suggesting she move in.”

Kurt couldn’t help but soften at this. “You deserve it, Dad, and I really do like Carole. Even Finn is starting to grow on me. Thanks for not making me share a room with him. I don’t think I could take the smell of teenage boy.”

“You’re a teenage boy.”

“Yes, but at least I don’t smell like one.”


	11. Biology 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn gets a surprise lesson. Kurt needs pants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the crack and I finally get to show you all the scene I wrote days ago.

( learn )

—

Freshly showered, moisturized, deodorized, and hair tamed into a perfect coif, Kurt tossed the towel around his waist into the laundry hamper and walked over to his bed where the outfit he’d carefully selected was laid out. The short-sleeved Dior grey button down shirt would enhance his biceps and pecs that he’d been working hard to develop more fully. After slipping on the shirt, the buttons not yet done up, he realized that the necktie was missing so he headed to the tie rack hanging on the wall when suddenly his bedroom door was thrust open. 

“Dude, what the hell is that?”

Kurt looked down to where his oaf of an almost-stepbrother was pointing and then back to him, glaring. “It’s a penis, Finn. Or ‘dick’ in your and your friends’ vernacular.”

“No, the other things.”

“They’re tentacles. I know McKinley’s biology textbooks are subpar, but surely even you’ve heard of them.”

“Why are they moving?”

“Because they’re tentacles, Finn.” If Kurt made his extra appendages move more and enhance the size of his already impressive member without giving it a full erection, well that was only payback and served his new brother right for continuing to stare at his crotch. 

“Mom! Get in here quick. It’s an emergency!”

Kurt threw up his hands as his soon-to-be-stepmom barged into his room. Now everyone had seen his penis except for his boyfriend whom he had been getting dressed to go meet and hopefully get lucky with. He honestly thought that hiding his naked baby pictures from his dad would have prevented this kind of embarrassment.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Finn sputtered, pointing at his little brother. “There’s an octopus on his junk!”

“What? Oh!” Carole averted her eyes. “Kurt, Honey, why don’t you go put on some pants.”

“I was trying to when he walked in on me.” Kurt stormed over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of yoga pants, shoving his legs into them as fast as possible. There was no way in hell anyone was going to see him hop around in order to pull on his tightest jeans which could only be worn commando or with a thong. And the thong was out as it would just get in the way. Having easy access and showing off all of his assets was the whole point of wearing these particular pants on his date in the first place.

“Finn, there’s nothing wrong with Kurt. He’s part Other same as his dad.”

“Burt’s gay?”

Kurt was about to retort when Carole beat him to it. She had really good mom face, probably due to being a cop and having to raise Finn his whole life. 

“It means his and Burt’s biology is a little bit different than ours. Their tentacles aren’t harmful at all.”

Kurt had never been so grateful for the thinness of his yoga pants more than now. He made his tentacles wiggle around and press against the fabric. With his shirt not yet buttoned and his chest tentacles still exposed, he made them wiggle too. Given how Finn was reacting and still focused on his pubic tentacles, he now had something better than his brother’s computer history and barely hidden files of porn to threaten him with. Those things could be deleted. His appendages were with him forever. 

Wanting for this conversation to end so he could put his enhancements to a much better use, Kurt turned on his most innocent of smiles, “Carole Mom, can I get ready for my date now? I was supposed to meet Blaine at the movies in half an hour.”

“The movies or his house? Last I heard, his parents were away for the weekend.”

Damn it, sometimes having a cop in the family and living in the same house wasn’t such a good thing. There was no way through but the truth. Maybe he’d get off easy because he wasn’t Finn with his numerous girlfriends and a pregnancy scare. “Blaine’s house. Can I still go?”

“Of course you can, Sweetie. I just wanted to make sure you and Blaine would be safe. Speaking of safe, don’t forget those condoms and lube your father bought for you. He wanted me to remind you that you and Blaine matter and to respect each other.”

“Oh, my god!”

Carole held in her laughter. There were advantages to having both a cop and mother’s instincts along with Burt as a fiance’. She beckoned to her other son. “Come on, Finn. Let’s let Kurt get dressed in private. Meanwhile, you and I are going to have a little chat about some biology that you clearly need to learn about.”

“I know all about condoms. I don’t need any more right now. Rachel bought a new box last week and we’ve only gone through half of them.”

“Make that two chats.”


	12. Man Meat is the Best Meat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Blaine finally get it on

( meet )

—

Kurt had had plans. Sexy plans. He was going to meet Blaine at his house and they’d order take out of fettuccine alfredo, cheesecake, and absolutely no garlic bread. He’d impress Blaine with his table manners, twirling the pasta on his fork against a spoon and take it into his mouth, sucking in a trailing strand so that Blaine would know what else he might be good at sucking. Then they’d retire to the couch to watch a romantic movie, feeding each other bits of cheesecake as they snuggled together and started kissing. He would pretend to be cold so Blaine, ever the gentleman, would pull him in closer. Their making out would get more heated and he would warm up his hands on his boyfriend’s chest, letting his fingers wander and explore over territory he’d already covered. Then he’d be daring and ask if he might not warm up his hands south of the equator. What happened after that? Well, he’d had many a masturbatory fantasy about that. 

Reality instead had other plans. He missed his mouth, the fork stabbing his cheek instead, and the pasta falling onto his shirt and tie. He rushed to the kitchen sink, blotting at the mess with a paper towel. Kurt didn’t even think about anything other than preventing his clothes from being permanently ruined as he undid his tie and took off his shirt, frantically searching for the washing machine. The tie would need to be dry cleaned, but if he could put his shirt on a soaking and then delicates cycle, it could be saved. Fortunately he found it quickly, only letting out a sigh of relief when the garment was safe.

It was then that he was aware of Blaine’s presence and he let out a wistful sigh. “Sorry. Do you have a shirt I could borrow? If the food is cold we could heat it up and go back to eating dinner?”

“Sure.”

Kurt let Blaine take his hand and lead him upstairs. It was only in the bedroom that time seemed to slow down and speed up all at once. Kurt saw the lust in his boyfriend’s eyes, staring at his mouth and chest, and he felt brave. Slowly he undid Blaine’s bowtie and then tugged at the hem of his shirt, enjoying the encouragement to peel it off completely. 

Lips were soon pressed together as were their chests - hands, chest tentacles, and mouths touching and exploring and lavishing attention to every inch of exposed skin. It was wonderful.

When Kurt felt Blaine’s erection press against his own, he felt even braver and sexier. It was time. He reached out to trail his fingers on the edge of Blaine’s waistband and then his own, stopping at the top button of his jeans. “Do you mind if I take these off?” Blaine’s gasp and nodding head was all the confirmation he needed.

“Let me.”

It turned out that undressing each other wasn’t as easy as they made it seem in movies. Each of them had to resort to peeling off their own pants and Kurt was beyond delighted to discover that Blaine clearly had the same hopes and plans that he did. There was nothing but bare skin beneath his boyfriend’s tight red pants. Skin and a glorious erection sounded by a crown of very happy tentacles, all of it reaching out to his own. 

“Let’s go to the bed.” Kurt had barely gotten the words out before Blaine was kissing him again. All thought was lost beyond “this feels amazing” and “oh, god,” and “I never want this to stop.” If there was a heaven, it felt like this; two erections rubbing against each other, tentacles stroking in a mass of sensations, hands grabbing asses, mouths kissing and trailing down necks and sucking on peaked, sensitive nipples.

When knees started to buckle, they stumbled to the bed and it got even better. There was more friction and groping and thrusting of cocks against each other until they came in tangle of limbs, tentacles, moans, a litany of nonsense words, with an ending duet of, “Oh, god, you’re amazing.”

Finally catching his breath and now understanding exactly what all the musicals and poems were about, Kurt stared into his boyfriend’s eyes. “Let’s do that again!”


	13. You Feed the Doves Glitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt makes wedding plans

( nip )

—

Kurt pulled out his trunk filled with wedding magazines and scrapbooks. Placing one of his favorite scrapbooks upon the coffee table, he carefully opened it up. “I was six when I made this and had a strong need for my red Power Ranger to marry the White Ranger.”

Carole studied the crayon drawing. Unless she was mistaken, there were birds flying over the grooms and guests as they stood at an altar. There were streams of gold glitter under the birds, some landing on the blob and stick figures in attendance.

As Burt passed through the living room he saw what his fiancé and son were looking at and sighed. “Kurt, I’m going to nip this in the bud right now. You’re not feeding doves glitter.”

“You said it was a great idea!”

“You really think I was going to tell a little kid 'no' and have you crying over something you were so damn proud of? You're sixteen now and should know better. No waste of money homing pigeons and no glitter flying through the air.”

Kurt looked to Carole hoping she’d take his side.

“Sorry, Kid, but I’m with your father on this. Plus, I think it may count as an act of animal cruelty.”

Kurt refused to hold in his huff of annoyance as he closed the scrapbook and pulled out another. “Do you plan on wearing your dress uniform? I have a whole theme for when Officer Krupke married the widower of the bodega down the street from where Maria lived."

Carole was pretty sure that's not how _West Side Story_ went, but let it go. Hopefully, Kurt's ideas had gone beyond glitter shitting doves. “I haven’t decided yet. Show it to me.”


	14. Horny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt’s horny. That’s it. That’s the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I researched dance belts for this. The penis is placed upwards? Well that was something new I learned today. P.S. Just go with the stallion thing.

( opinion )

—

Kurt is of the opinion that perhaps his dad was right. Once you start having sex you never want to stop. Everything reminds him of sex now.

Carole making everyone a breakfast of eggs and sausage? Sex. Especially when she had plated them with the sausages side by side on top of a small pile of eggs. To his hormone flooded brain that was two erections rubbing up against each other as their tentacles tangled together. Which of course made him both hungry and horny. He had never been more grateful for a kitchen table in his life.

There was one evening, the same as others that had become commonplace now that Carole and Finn had moved in, where Kurt was looking over Finn’s homework to check for errors. He noticed that the guy had misspelled “meet” as “meat.” After pointing it out and smiling at Finn’s thanks, images of Blaine’s manly meat started flooding his mind. 

Not that he was counting, but the other day he’d given Blaine his fourth blowjob and it had been returned in kind. And god, here he’d thought tentacles on cocks and cocks on cocks was amazing. That was until he’d felt his boyfriend’s wet, sucking mouth on his erection and then his own mouth around Blaine’s, and…

“Dude? You okay? You spaced out there for a moment and started mumbling about fucking Jesus.”

Kurt had startled at that, pretended to continue reading over Finn’s homework and willed away his erection thinking about how gross his stepbrother kept leaving their shared bathroom. 

Singing _Baby It’s Cold Outside_ with Blaine in one of the Dalton common rooms? Sex. After the few failed attempts at watching porn and reading in one of the pamphlets his dad had given him about the mess that some sexual acts created that porn didn’t show, Kurt had thought he’d never want to have anal sex. But seeing Blaine all flirty and leaning on the back of one of the couches, his mouth a perfect pink puckered “oh”? Throughout the rest of the song, all he could think about was removing Blaine’s pants, leaning him over that same couch, and fucking him with his dick and tentacles until they were both screaming high notes and adding new stains to the antique upholstery.

There were some days that were so bad Kurt had brought out his old dance belt and went shopping online for more when he discovered it no longer fit. Dalton blazers didn’t hide everything and neither did adding a second layer of underwear. Not that Blaine had had that problem. Oh, no, Mr. Confident sometimes went commando all day at school and would suggest they stay late to “practice” or “have coffee” in one of the private study rooms. 

And fuck, now he was horny again. Four more hours until he could see Blaine and he promised to put at least two of those hours in at the shop so his dad and Carole could go to a cake tasting. He wondered if anyone would notice if he jerked off quickly in his bedroom under the guise of getting ready for work. Of course, he was already in his thick work pants and a Hummel Tires & Lube shirt, so probably not. 

He was well aware that guys, especially teenage boys, seemed to be perpetually horny. But at this intensity? Did all guys feel it at this level or was it because he was Other and the tentacles enhanced everything? Kurt knew he was well endowed compared to the average non-Other human and not just because Finn had no concept of closing bedroom and bathroom doors. Blaine’s penis was thinner compared to his own thickness, but still happily long and large and mouth watering fuckable and ruttable and touchable. Before having sex, he would have sworn his hormones were at a normal level. But now with an Other boyfriend? His mind was a swirling soup of horny.

Maybe it was genetics. His dad also had Other DNA and certainly seemed to always be willing to have intimate relations with Carole. They were loud too. He should never have had to know that his dad liked being restrained by her handcuffs and calling her Officer Carole as she “rode him like a police horse because goddess, Burt, you’re a fucking stallion.” 

Good, that was good. Cooling off by thinking about your dad and future stepmom was a good thing this time. It allowed him to get up from the kitchen table, put away his dishes, thank Carole again for making breakfast, and head up to his room without an obvious erection. 

An erection that quickly grew back when he saw he had a text from his boyfriend that was nothing but eggplant and smiley emojis. Caving, he turned on some music, unzipped his pants, pulled out his dick and pubic tentacles, and started stroking. 

Fuck he was horny.


	15. Meet the Humdels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burt and Carole go on their honeymoon. Kurt and Finn have the house to themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if Blaine’s a bit OOC. I love the guy, but Kurt is the one I have an easier time writing.

( possible )

—

Burt never expected to find another woman to love after Elizabeth had died. Yet there he was a newly married man again with a beautiful and strong bride who was something else and far more than she appeared at first glance. That was a lot of her appeal. 

Kurt had gone all out with planning their wedding. He didn’t understand most of what the kid had done, but it had turned out really nice with the colors and decorations and food. Getting his and Finn’s glee club friends to sing and dance was a nice touch and he couldn’t believe Kurt had convinced him and Carole to sing and dance along too.

When the whole party was over, he and Carole caught a flight to Waikiki, safe in the knowledge that her being a cop meant there was a whole police force checking up on their kids, doing extra drive-bys of the house, and ready in an instant should they needed help. There would be no loud parties and underage drinking while they were gone. 

The boys having their friends over and sleeping with their significant others was to be expected and he didn’t mind too much. He was that age once and the embarrassment and mumbled “thanks” from Kurt reassured him that his first son at least would be safe. He had let Carole handle the talk with Finn.

Burt pushed those thoughts aside and focused on his beautiful wife. The sunlight streaming in through the window, the ocean waves gently crashing upon the beach in the background - it served to make her more enchanting. When she turned away from the view and back to him, her smile lit up the room, brighter than the sun. 

Burt felt himself getting an erection and returned Carole’s growing grin. They were both naked. Most of their honeymoon had been spent unabashedly naked in bed, in the shower, and two brave nights of skinny dipping in the ocean. 

He didn’t know how he’d had doubts about sleeping with a non-Other woman, doubts that had him wondering if it would even be possible compatibility-wise. Sure, he’d dated a few, but none had progressed beyond a kiss or two. Porn and magazines weren’t the same and he’d always preferred looking at Other women. And of course, his first wife was Other and their tentacles had combined in the most pleasurable ways.

The first time he’d seen Carole naked, he’d barely had time to register that she had pubic hair instead of tentacles and none between her breasts. How thrilled he was to discover that it didn’t feel all that weird and different in the end. His own tentacles were perfectly happy fondling her breasts and rubbing up against her clitoris and inside of her, taking turns with his fully erect penis. Best of all, Carole was a woman who knew what she wanted and needed, didn’t find his appendages odd at all, and thoroughly enjoyed their...It wasn’t love making. Not that time. It was hot and fast sex, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.

Burt Hummel knew he was a lucky, lucky man both in love and in lust, and his body was more than willing to go at it again. “Officer Carole Hudson-Hummel, what plans do you have for me now?” 

—

A beautiful and lively wedding and a perfect reception all put together in a time frame she hadn’t thought possible. Her firstborn son and her new son being watched over by her partner and the rest of her precinct; the fear of multiple gods and her own wrath over what would happen should said sons throw a party. Waikiki, the hotel where the Lost cast was put up, an ocean view, room service anytime they wanted it, and a handsome, perfect, naked man in her bed asking for another round of earth shattering sex. Carole felt like she was the luckiest woman in the world. 

—

Dalton Academy’s classes were challenging, possibly too challenging at times. The week off they gave the students to study and write essays for their finals was a huge relief. Better still, with his dad and stepmom off on their honeymoon and Finn still in school, it meant he and his boyfriend would get plenty of time for study breaks. Half naked study breaks. Fully naked study breaks. Blow job study breaks in the kitchen. Wet and soapy study breaks in the shower. Snuggles that lead to light groping that lead to heavy groping study breaks on the couch. Overnight naked in bed study sessions that involved lots of learning new ways to make each other fall apart and moan while coming their brains out. 

Kurt Hummel was having the best week of his life and not even Finn and Rachel could ruin it. 

—

Being able to get out of his parents’ trip to see Cooper in LA and instead getting to spend it with boyfriend while said boyfriends' parents were away on their honeymoon was amazing. Kurt’s house felt more cozy and welcoming than his own home. More importantly, it had Kurt in it. A Kurt who had grown from shy and adorably awkward to confident and bold when it came to sex. 

It meant he and his handsome, equally horny, well endowed, and tentacled boyfriend took a lot of study breaks that didn’t always start out with just a little cuddling and kissing, but always ended up with both of them at least partially naked and coming hard. Blowing Naked Kurt was amazing. Getting fucked for the first time ever by Naked Kurt was mind expanding. Everything he did with boyfriend brought him joy.

The only thing that came close to not bringing him joy was when Finn and Rachel came home unexpectedly and saw him and Kurt naked on the couch in a very heated and naked make out session of cock grinding, tentacle stroking, nipple and neck sucking perfection. 

And it all came to a halt when Finn shouted, “Blaine has tentacles too? Dude, I didn’t know that! Is that why you guys are so loud and can do it so much or is it a gay thing? Rachel gets kind of mad because I can only get it up once or twice when we have sex.”

Rachel had elbowed Finn in the ribs, but wouldn’t stop staring, and Blaine was pretty sure she was getting turned on by it.

Kurt? Kurt was glaring at his brother and former glee club friend, and daring the two of them to keep staring at his erection that he was making grow larger than he thought possible by having his tentacles stroke it. “When you’re done having a good look, can you leave us alone? I’d like to finish making my boyfriend come.”

“Can I watch?”

“No, Rachel, you can’t.”

Finn had finally gotten the clue that watching your stepbrother have sex was kind of gross and convinced Rachel to go up to his room. 

When they were finally alone again, Blaine couldn’t help but slide down Kurt’s body and groan, “You are so fucking hot, right now,” and take his boyfriend’s enormous cock into his mouth. Study breaks were the best thing ever. 

—

Finn didn’t think it would be possible to have this much fun with his parents away on their honeymoon when he still had to get up and go to school everyday. Kurt and Blaine were already on winter break because Dalton was on a different schedule than McKinley. That part wasn’t fun at all. But after school and football practice were over, he pretty much got to do whatever he wanted except throw a party.

He could still have Sam and Mike over and play video games - on a school night and there was no one to say ‘no.’ What was more awesome was getting to have pizza, tacos, and burgers, and fries all for the same dinner. 

Seeing Kurt having sex with Blaine on the couch was kind of gross and awkward, but he was able to forget about it when he started making out with Rachel afterwards.

Rachel wasn’t allowed to spend the night like Blaine was with Kurt, so he didn’t get to have a lot of sex with her, but he did have some. That was good too. Rachel had nice boobs.


	16. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Officer Hudson-Hummel plays detective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe I came up with a plausible explanation for this chapter. I had thought the idea was ludicrous, but it was all I could come up with that was even slightly funny and not just more of everyone banging and calling each other remarkable in bed or for the size of their parts and Kurt watching reality TV with sisters in it. There’s not going to be an ounce of accuracy regarding how police stations work in this. OTH, it’s also a crack AU with tentacles. So, there’s that.

( remarkable, sisters )

—

Burt didn’t know why he’d agreed to this or why they were doing it at all. He was also pretty sure this wasn’t how police stations actually worked. Maybe on that one police comedy show Carole and Kurt had bonded over, but not real life. 

Yet there he was, standing out of the way in a corner of the living room while a bunch of detective and CSI trainees went to town on his house. He wasn’t inexperienced with detective and cop shows, but it was still remarkable about how much a black light and special sprays could show. And it was all showing way too much in his opinion. Apparently, while he and Carole had been on their honeymoon, their sons had been on a version of their own.

Burt wanted to take his cap off his head and rub a hand over his face, but the protective white, full-coverage and hooded coveralls he’d been asked to put on so as to “not contaminate the crime scene” prevented that. He even had booties. Instead, he let out a barely audible sigh. “I’m burning the couch and getting a new one.”

“Maybe just a slipcover and a spare for when it’s in the wash.” 

Burt wanted to smile at his uniformed wife, but he was sure it came out as a grimace. A grimace that only became deeper the more she explained what the trainees were finding.

“You see how the stains on the right of the couch are glowing a little differently than the left? A little more purple than blue? That’s Other semen. On the left - that’s human semen and human vaginal fluid.” Carole nodded in the direction of her husband’s favorite chair and leaned in close to his ear. “Oh, good, Flannagan’s started on the recliner. “There’s Other semen and human vaginal fluids and nothing to worry about. It means that while our boys were living it up on the couch, they left our favorite place alone. Well, one of our favorite places. Detective Rose is leading the training team in the kitchen. I think it best for your heart if you didn’t know the results of that one.”

“Instead of getting a new couch, maybe we should just get a new house.”

Carole gently laughed at Burt’s reaction. He was adorable when he was flustered. “If it makes you feel any better, I was part of the team that busted up that brothel on Second Street. I don't think there was a horizontal or vertical surface that didn't have at least something on it. Between you and me, I have no problem with sex work as long as it’s safe and everyone involved is a consenting adult. Snixx House was pretty well run by a pair of sisters. Well, Lopez said she and Pierce were sisters, but sisters don’t look at and touch each other like that, so I suspect they were hiding given that this is Ohio. We never had any real problems with the place until they started blackmailing one of the johns. Lopez swears it was in self-defense, that it was Reggie Salazar blackmailing her and Pierce, but that’ll be up to the judge and jury.”

“Salazar? That mob guy who’s running for office? His pizza is terrible.”

“That’s the one. But you didn’t hear it from me.”

“My lips are sealed.” 

Carole smirked as she heard what Detective Rose was explaining to her trainees the "evidence" that they’d found. “They weren’t in the kitchen and neither were Kurt and Blaine’s for that matter.”

“You know any professional crime scene cleaners? I don’t think all the bleach in the world is going to clean this up.” 

“I’ll give them a call, Dear.”


	17. Kurt passe une mauvaise journée

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt has a bad day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get the word of the day in 2 languages! Translations at the end of the chapter. Huge thank you hugs to anneestuneprofgeek for the better-than-google translations. P.S. I actually like Holly Holiday.

( tub )

—

"Madame Holiday devrait faire laver son cerveau dans un bain d'anguilles! Elle est bien, ma prononciation!"

Burt looked up from his laptop to see that it was Kurt, not Carole entering through the front door, and quickly closed the computer. There were things your kid didn’t need to see you ordering online. Though from Kurt’s angry fuming in French, he doubted his son even realized he was there.

“You okay there, Bud?” 

"Ça va aller une fois que j'aurai mon pot de crème glacée et qu'elle ira remplacer dans une autre classe que la mienne."

Staying out of the way, Burt watched as Kurt grabbed a tub of ice cream from the freezer and a spoon from the utensil drawer and stormed up to his room. If he didn’t come down in a little while, he’d bring him some toast. For now, he knew his son needed some time to decompress. He was the same way. It was hard being a parent seeing your kid upset and not be able to fix things.

Burt glanced at his laptop. There was no way he could go back to perusing what he had been, so he picked up the stack of mail and started going through it instead. Buying intimate things for himself and Carole to enjoy could wait. Paying the ever-increasing heating bill on his shop couldn’t.

—

Kurt was really glad that his boyfriend had answered his video chat request immediately. He hadn’t gotten to see him after classes had ended and it was time to go home. No waiting around for the other this time either as both of their sets of parents had wanted them back in time for dinner. 

But he didn’t want to think about his parents or school right now. He just wanted to see his boyfriend and take out his frustrations on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. It wasn’t the same as real cheesecake, but it was a close second. Plus, ice cream. 

Kurt took off his Dalton blazer and tie and undid a few buttons on his dress shirt before settling down on his bed and waited for Blaine to settle down as well. Only, Blaine wasn’t just taking off his own blazer and tie. No, his boyfriend was taking off every last stitch of clothing in full view of his laptop's camera.

“Hey, Kurt. What’s up? Bad day? You left before I could catch up with you.” Blaine looked at his screen when he heard Kurt’s gasp and soft moan. There in the small window reflecting what Kurt was seeing was a full close up view of his cock and tentacles. HIs cock that was taking interest in the sounds coming out of the speakers. Taking a step back so he could settle on his bed, Blaine could see Kurt scrambling to remove his own clothes. He hadn’t meant to initiate phone sex, but who was he to stop it? His day hadn’t been that great either a mutual orgasm or two would certainly help improve it. 

“Not anymore.” Kurt hastened to remove the rest of his uniform including his underwear. Then he settled back on his bed with his tub of ice cream and spoon. While he and Blaine hadn’t tried sex with food yet, he was sure they could pretend it was Blaine licking it off of his chest. That way he could still have the ice cream and an orgasm. His day was looking up already. As was clearly his and Blaine’s erections. God, he loved having a boyfriend.

As he watched Blaine stroke himself while his tongue-moistened chest tentacles played with his nipples, Kurt took a lick of the spoonful of ice cream and then sexily smeared the rest down his chest and over his nipples. “Fuck that’s cold!” 

His body’s reaction upset the container precariously perched on his stomach and caused the ice cream to start dripping over his crotch. Kurt looked up when he heard Blaine chuckling softly to himself and could now both see and feel his erection failing quickly. “That was supposed to be sexy.”

“You’re always sexy to me, Kurt. Lay back down and think of me licking the ice cream off of you. All of you.”

“But it’s cold!”

“Not once I get my mouth on it.”

Kurt put the pint on his nightstand, then grabbed a couple of tissues and wiped some of the ice cream off. Imagination and Blaine’s sultry words weren’t going to help him masturbate when he was still chilled to the core. Fortunately, it didn’t take long to regain his erection and soon he and Blaine were both having a much better day.

—

Burt paused at the bottom of the stairs and immediately turned around and headed back to the kitchen. From the sounds coming from his son’s room, he clearly didn’t need toast anymore, nor the interference of a parent. He fumbled in his shirt pocket for his earbuds, brought up his favorite Mellencamp playlist on his phone, and began to tackle the next bill that needed paying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations: 
> 
> Kurt passe une mauvaise journée = Kurt has a bad day. 
> 
> "Madame Holiday devrait faire laver son cerveau dans un bain d'anguilles! Elle est bien, ma prononciation!" = "Madame' Holiday needs her brain washed out in a tub of eels. My pronunciation is fine!" 
> 
> "Ça va aller une fois que j'aurai mon pot de crème glacée et qu'elle ira remplacer dans une autre classe que la mienne." = “I'll be fine once I have a tub of ice cream and she moves on to substitute for a class that is not mine."


	18. Career Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carole gives Kurt a tour of the police station. Not a funny chapter, but not all that angsty either. It does provide a bit of plot though.

( ugly )

“I’ll be honest with you, Kurt, there are some really ugly things out there and that includes the kinds of cops you hear about on the news. And I know you and Blaine have sadly experienced horrible things at the hands of people, but these people…” Carole looked around the station and smiled at the officers, clerks, detectives, and the rest, “they’re the most dedicated folks I know and my second family.”

“What about the station you worked for in New York?”

“I was very lucky in how progressive it was. I only transferred because I realized I was still a small town girl at heart. For all of Lima’s problems, it suits me better than Manhattan did. The mood and policies of a station really depends upon the captain. Some stations there are full of racist, sexist jerks with all the New York and New Jersey transfer attitudes you can think of and more. Some aren’t.”

Kurt fiddled with the hem of his blazer, a nervous habit that had caused the need for more than one repair of the red piping. “I’m grateful for the scholarship, I am. I love Dalton Academy and don't mind the criminal justice elective I was required to take." He let out a slow breath and finally just said what had been worrying him for months. "I still want to be on Broadway.”

“Who says you can’t do both? Lots of aspiring actors work in law enforcement.”

“They do?”

“Cop’s honest truth.” Carole leaned in closer to Kurt and gave him a wink. “Plus, people love the uniform. Never had to pay for a drink while wearing it, especially at the inclusive bars.”

“I’m with Blaine! And underage.”

“You think I don't know that you and Blaine sneak off to Scandals every once in a while? As long you two keep remaining responsible and promise to call me if you get into trouble or need a ride a home, I won’t tell your father or Blaine’s mom.”

“Thank you.”

Carole dropped the free drinks thread and moved on with the rest of her tour. Kurt was young and in love and she couldn’t fault the kid one bit for thinking he’d be with his boyfriend forever. Maybe he’d be one of the lucky ones and it would work out. For now, she’d focus on why he was at the station at all. Dalton Academy was having their biannual Career Exploration Week and she wanted to make sure that her stepson received the insider’s perspective. With the right guidance and police station, Kurt could be an amazing officer and make a positive impact to those he'd serve. He had the right kind of heart and attitude for it.


	19. We Could Be Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt wishes he could make his stepbrother vanish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last night I dreamed that the advent words was “vase” and started writing today’s chapter for it. When I sort of woke up and groggily scrolled through real tumblr on my phone and reblogged the advent word post, I could have sworn it said “vanquish.” So that’s what I’d started writing in my head while making coffee, taking the dog out, etc. Morning responsibilities done, I open up the laptop, look at the post again, and it’s “vanish.” I decided to incorporated all three words just for the fun of it. 
> 
> New note: I did not know that Pedro Pascal was in a movie called "We Could Be Heroes" until I saw gifs of him on my dash AFTER I wrote and posted this chapter. Here I thought I was being all clever and original. Clearly not. I only know of him and The Mandalorian from my tumblr dash. Not that I have anything against him or the show. Just making the note to let you all know that I swear I didn't take the title nor a similar mention in the next chapter from his movie.

( vanish, vanquish, vase )

Hearing a knock on his door, Kurt scrambled to pull a comforter over his lap and wrap another around himself to hide his police officer uniform and hoping that sitting on the edge of the bed with a large lump of comforter wouldn’t look too weird. He’d barely gotten out a breathy, “Come in,” before his stepbrother was barging through. At least the guy had learned to knock.

Finn held up his phone with AO3 open hoping his brother could see it. He probably could. Kurt never missed anything and neither did Burt. Which made him even more sure his suspicions were true. “Hey, Kurt, do tentacled people have superpowers? Like can they touch objects and make them vanish or maybe throw objects like that vase on the window sill? Could you throw that with your tentacles?”

“Why are you asking?” Kurt had a pretty good idea, but if it wasn’t what he thought it was, it would be a great way to get Finn to do things for him. 

“My friend, Sam, sent me this great Marvel universe fanfic with original characters in it, and it’s awesome! There’s this new villain called Nightbird who can fly, but he also has these really long tentacles on his chest. And he like swoops down on people and steals their stuff. Or one time, he carried these guards away so he could rob their armored truck and take all the money inside.” 

His brother looked super interested, so Finn continued. It was nice that he and Kurt could have something else in common aside from singing and knowing how to play football even if Kurt didn’t like it much. At Kurt’s “go on,” he remembered that he was telling him about the super cool fanfic. “So you have that villain Nighbird who is totally cool even though he’s a bad guy. But then there was this superhero called Captain K who is a cop by day, but at night he goes around vanquishing bad guys. His superpower was a little weird though because his super tentacles are below his waist and he has to unzip his pants to use them. Not that they showed the guy’s junk or anything, which would be fine for guys like you and Blaine ‘cause you like that stuff, but most guys I know don’t. Anyway, when he reveals what’s under his pants, there’s this mass of super long tentacles and he plucks Nightbird right out of the sky. There were drawings at the end of the fic and it was all so cool!” Finn turned to the part with the art to show his brother. “Can you do things like that?” 

Kurt shook his head. “Hate to break it to you, but no, Others don’t have superpowers. Our...junk...as you call it, is larger than full humans, but that’s not really a superpower.” Kurt shifted on the bed and tried his best to muffle his yelp at the reaction it had caused. “Sorry, my back hurts. It was a long Warbler practice and I was just about to take a nap with a heating pad.”

“That sucks, Dude. Sorry. And sorry that you don’t have superpowers. That would have been so cool to have a brother who was a superhero. If you ever do develop them, I promise to keep your secret.”

“Thanks, Finn. I appreciate it.” Kurt let out a sigh of relief when his stepbrother left and he could hear him clump back down the stairs. He tugged the blanket off of his shoulders and pulled the comforter off of his lap. There between his legs was his costumed boyfriend's mouth firmly around his dick, his face buried in tentacles, looking not at all ashamed that he’d started sucking harder. “You almost gave us away, Blaine!”

“You have captured me in your super tentacles, Captain K. I am helpless in your passionate grip.” 

Kurt couldn’t form a proper retort because Blaine started licking at his slit and along the vein of his erection. He was so close to coming and knew it was going to be an incredible orgasm. Maybe his boyfriend’s love of writing superhero fanfic wasn’t such a dorky thing after all.


	20. Junior Year Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt stresses over finals and college applications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A crack tentacle fic with an actual plot and ending? Yes, I actually came up with one. The next few chapters will be progressing towards that. The majority of today’s research came from Learn How to Become . org. The other part was researching various college and university programs. As always I took some liberties for AU convenience. For those unfamiliar with the U.S. education system, “college” is a general term used for both universities and colleges. That’s how it’s used in this fic.

( worthless )

“Ugh, this wi-fi connection is worthless! How am I supposed to get my term paper in and research colleges with this much lag?” Kurt wanted to slam his laptop shut, but the last thing he needed on an already stressful day was to break it. His entire life was on his computer and phone. For such a fancy rich kids school, the administration and donors were clearly stingy when it came to keeping their tech up to date. “Can we go to your place, Blaine?”

Blaine recoiled at the suggestion, shaking his head so vigorously he nearly spilled his cup of coffee all over his uniform. “If we did, your stepmom would have to arrest me for attempted murder.”

“What? Why?”

“Cooper’s visiting and I do not want him giving me another lesson on how I should point with my tentacles to let my scene partner know that my feelings are intense. Last time, he told me it works for porn too.”

“Your brother told you to do porn?”

“As a fallback career because ‘Broadway is dead’ or if I get a show on HBO and lose my baby fat, the chances are higher that I’ll be asked to do nude scenes.”

“Oh my god!” Kurt started packing up and encouraged Blaine to do the same. “We’ll go to my house then. And for the record? Your body is perfect and you don't need to point your tentacles at anything but me.”

Blaine smiled at his boyfriend's compliment, but knew he couldn't take up on his offer. “It’s Friday night dinner and I don't want to intrude on your family's important tradition.”

“Which you’re always welcome to and it's not intruding on anything. You can even stay over and we’ll make a whole weekend of it.”

Blaine had never been more grateful that his parents weren’t as strict about family dinner time as Kurt’s were. “Cheesecake and orgasm study breaks?”

“Make out study breaks. Orgasms if a task is completed and we’re quiet about it.” Kurt smirked at his counteroffer and then glared at a freshman who had paused his stroll through the common room in order to listen in.

Blaine waited for the kid to get the hint and move on before he made an even better offer. “If you manage to find a school where you can continue your criminal justice studies and study musical theatre, I’ll give you an extra special reward.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll feed you cheesecake while I ride you.”

“This is why I love you.” Kurt had the best boyfriend in the world and sealed the deal with a heated kiss. “Let’s go. If we hurry, there’ll be time for us to reward ourselves for the work we already did before my parents get home.”

Blaine shifted his satchel so that it hid his quickly growing erection. “I love you and the way you think.”

—

Carole knocked on her stepson’s bedroom door and waited until the sounds of scrambling for clothes and whispers had died down before speaking. “Kurt, when you and Blaine are all cleaned up from your latest study break, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“We weren’t doing anything. You can come in.”

Carole held in her sigh as she entered Kurt’s room. The men in her family were such bad liars and none of them had an ounce of aim when it came to tossing condom wrappers and the used devices they had once held. Thank the goddess the crime scene cleanup people had given her a bottle of the special cleaner they used. “You didn’t say much at dinner, but I can tell you’re more stressed out about your college hunt and applications than you’re letting on.”

“Am I that readable?”

“Call it a cop and mother’s intuition.” 

Kurt wanted to deny everything, but honestly, she was right. He needed help and she hadn't steered him wrong before. He was actually enjoying the classes required to retain his scholarship at Dalton. “I can’t find anywhere that will let me continue studying criminal justice on top of drama, music, and dance. Every place says they’ll allow a student to ‘create their own program,’ but it always has to be within the same department of school. The few good universities that even offer both that is, which is practically none.”

“Kurt, how far are you hoping to advance within the field of law enforcement?”

“The same as we talked about before. I’ll get my degree, go to the police academy, get a job, and work while I’m in college which I’ll start a year after those in my high school graduating class, but at the same time as Blaine.”

“Are you failing any of your current criminal justice classes?”

Kurt shrugged, trying and failing to hide his worry. The remaining high from his recent orgasm fading completely. “Not unless the professor hates my final essay that I just sent in.”

“I'm sure you did great. But, Sweetie you forgot that you’ll be graduating high school with an Associate’s degree. That’s more than enough to get you hired at most stations. If you want to get your Bachelors or pursue a higher degree in a specialty field for certain kinds of placements or to advance within the precinct, then we can work together to find you some classes you can do online while enrolled at a musical theatre school.”

Kurt mulled the information over and let out a sigh of relief. “I was worrying for nothing, wasn’t I?”

“You’re almost seventeen and have already taken on more than most kids your age.”

“Not at Dalton.”

“Except at Dalton. Kurt, you’re going to be just fine and your dad and I are going to keep supporting you no matter what field or fields you choose. How about once your finals are done, I’ll take you out to the firing range and teach you how to use a weapon? Most of the kids at the Academy will already know and it’ll put you on an even keel.” Carole had other plans for his summer as well. Kurt didn’t need to know about her argument with Burt about why he hadn’t been trained in self defense given all the bullying he’d faced at McKinley.

“Is there anything else? Blaine and I were going to do some more investigating of performing arts schools. We heard a rumor on the show choir blogs that NYADA was a scam school, and we don’t know if it’s true or just some insecure diva trying to lessen the competition.”

“I think I’m done. Just remember that I’m here for you, okay? If I can’t answer your questions, Captain Zizes or one of the officers can.” Carole started to leave, but turned back. “Before I forget, why does your brother keep thinking you have superpowers?”

“Because he’s Finn?”

Carole wanted to be suspicious about that too innocent answer and tone, but let it go. Some things a parent and cop didn’t need to know.


	21. The Education of Kurt Hummel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt Hummel’s post high school education

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a sad chapter, just not a cracky one. I swear it’ll pay off. Any timeline problems, just go with it, please. I thought I had it all figured out, but maybe not. Time hurts my brain.

( yard )

Kurt’s first graduation ceremony was celebrated in the yard of his childhood home surrounded by friends and family. He may not have come even close to being Valedictorian, but he had graduated from Dalton Academy with a decent GPA and an Associate’s degree in criminal justice. 

His parents wisely and kindly took in a double feature that night, and Finn went to a friend’s party, so that he and Blaine could celebrate in their own style and be as loud as they wanted. And they wanted. Multiple times in many ways. It was the best graduation day ever. 

—

Kurt’s second graduation day came a few months after his high school one and was held on the campus of the Allen County Police Academy. His hair was much shorter, his muscles larger, his brain full of local regulations, and his hard earned peace officer uniform was his own and he wore it with pride. As a child he’d never dreamed of such a career, but now he welcomed it. It felt right. 

There were hugs from Carole and the rest of the Lima Police Department, his dad, and Finn. As for his boyfriend, there were more than hugs. They rented a nice hotel room for the weekend and made up for a lot of cancelled dates. Most of the time Kurt kept at least part of his uniform on while Blaine called him Officer Hummel. 

—

While he waited for the next stage of his schooling to begin and for Blaine to graduate high school, Officer Kurt Hummel patrolled the streets of Lima, Ohio as a rookie. He was assigned to patrol with the three years his senior, Officer Jones. 

The shock on his face and squeal of, “Oh my god, Mercedes!” had made her laugh. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in LA making music. I bought your album. You were even more amazing than when we were in Glee club together.”

“I was wasn’t I? You know how it is. Out there you learn just how nasty the business can be. I prayed on it and decided to follow in my grandmother’s footsteps and make a difference for folks like us. I may not be the first Black, Other female police officer, but I am for Lima.” Mercedes gave her friend an appraising look. “But let’s look at you, Officer Hummel. All buffed out and looking finer than you did in high school.”

“I looked like a milkmaid when I was a freshman.”

“You were adorable.”

“I doubt it, but at least I dressed well.”

Mercedes nodded her head in agreement. “You know, I had a little crush on you in high school. If I wasn’t in a committed relationship to Sam, it wouldn’t have held a candle to what I’m feeling now. You grew up, Boy!”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I know. Doesn’t stop a girl from looking, does it? So why are you here? Is it because of your stepmom? I thought you had dreams of Julliard.”

“I did, but now it’s NYADA. I start in the fall with Blaine. New York City here I come!” 

“Again, why are you here? Captain says your my probie.”

“I am. Officer Hummel reporting for duty.” Kurt saluted his friend and now partner. “Then I’ll work in New York if Officer Hudson’s old station will have me. It’s much better than working for tips in some lousy diner.”

“If you say so.” Mercedes looked at the clock high up on the squad room wall. “Make sure your gear is all set. We’ve got to get out on patrol.”

“What’s our route?”

“Captain Zizes has a treat for you on your first day.”

“What?”

“McKinley High School. Want to go scare some jocks? Rumor has it that some of the puckheads that gave you trouble still haven’t graduated and the ones that did are still hanging around making trouble.”

Kurt couldn’t help it. He bounced on his toes and only barely contained his squeal. “I knew I chose the right profession! Lead the way, Officer Jones.”

—

Kurt was seriously considering arresting his dance teacher Cassandra July. He could now that he had passed the certification requirements to work in New York City and had been hired part time by his stepmom’s old unit. He’d start with drunk and disorderly and tack on attempted murder. His feet were killing him. His whole body was killing him. She had been on his case for his supposed “dancing like a squirrel on meth” all week. It didn’t matter that this wasn’t his jurisdiction; he was two seconds away from whipping out his badge and putting the fear of a dirty cell with no privacy into her. Then again, he’d read her file. The woman had been arrested so many times it’d probably feel like home.

Kurt forced back his sigh, but not his glare and ran through the routine again when ordered to so. The Allen County Police Academy’s worst physical training sergeant had nothing on Cassandra July.

—

“Bad day?”

Kurt looked up from where he was slumped over the desk in his and Blaine’s tiny dorm room. With a grateful smile, he accepted the cup of coffee held out to him and a kiss. “The worst.”

“Which crime are you contemplating arresting Cassandra July for this time?”

“Attempted murder.”

“Ah, the old favorite.”

“And drunk and disorderly.”

“Ms. Castle drinks more.”

“Yes, but at least she’s fun. I think she huffs glue more than she drinks. How were your classes?”

Blaine pulled Kurt out of his slump and led him to the bed. The best way to destress from a hard day was to focus on other hard things. “I’m learning a lot in music composition; more than I ever realized I didn’t know already. It’s a lot of work, but I really enjoy it. Aside from dance class, how were yours?” 

While Kurt wasn’t in any particular hurry as he wasn’t working tonight, it didn’t take long for him to strip out of his clothes and admire his boyfriend’s own disrobing. “Ms. Castle gave us an interesting assignment.”

“Oh yeah? What?”

Kurt couldn’t help but let out a moan as his cock aligned with Blaine’s and their tentacles mingled together. This was always the best part of his day. “We’re to write a play based off of something from an uncommon medium. And immediately I thought back to high school and had an idea.” 

Blaine kissed his way from behind Kurt’s ear to down his neck, loving how he could make him fall apart. “What idea?”

Kurt arched his back as his boyfriend’s ministrations. All of his favorite spots were being tended to in the most exquisite of ways. “No more talking. Talking later. Too horny. Orgasms now.”

“How are you getting an ‘A’ in that playwriting class with sentences like that?” Blaine laughed at Kurt’s playful swat and moved his mouth down to suck on other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon that I couldn’t find a way to work in here is that Kurt’s partner on patrols is Elliott Gilbert, a little older and more experienced officer. Elliott keeps encouraging Kurt to join his band, which he does from time to time.


	22. Final Bow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Blaine get their happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter with a happy ending. I could have written more, but it felt more right to leave it where it does. Due to the nature of Kurt's first career, I decided to have the boys keep their original last names, the same as Carole did.

( zealous )

“Dad, Mom, Blaine, Finn, the first reviews are in!” When his family gathers around him in their own corner of the cast party, Kurt starts reading from his phone.

“The Anderson Hummel production of _We Can Be Heroes_ has proven all of the critics wrong, including, I must admit, myself. During a truly embarrassing tech week and what looked to be a farce of a show bordering on pathetic that included every pitfall of the short lived _Spiderman: the Musical,_ I am pleased to tell you that the opposite is now true. How the husbands and the rest of the cast and crew managed to pull it all together is a true miracle and one not to be dismissed. Kurt Hummel, book writer, lyricist, and lead actor of the show poured off his heart and soul into his role of lonely beat cop longing to do more to help his people. As Keenan Montgomery, Hummel’s rendition of _Protect My City_ brought me to tears as it did everyone seated around me.”

“Dad, they loved me! They loved me!”

“Of course they did, Kiddo. Keep reading.”

Kurt leaned into his dad’s hug and wiped away his tears. Happy tears for once. “The talent did not stop there with the talented duo. Blaine Anderson, who wrote the majority of the musical score, sings the show’s endearing love song _What to Do About a Boy in Blue_. Anderson brings to his role of vigilante Nightbird, a depth filled with heart and a whimsical comedic touch that in the hands of other actors would have come off as campy. His chemistry with his husband is electric. For those looking for a new kind of love story for the ages, this show can’t be missed. Book your tickets now and may we all strive with the zealousness of Keenan and Nightbird to be the kind of hero the world needs; the kind of hero inside all of us.”


	23. bonus nsfw stick figure fanart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fanart by me in case you were curious just what Burt, Kurt, and Blaine's tentacles looked like with bonus non-tentacled Carole. Is it so very wrong? Absolutely. Did it need to be created? Not at all. Did I do it anyway? Clearly, yes, because sometimes I think I'm funny. All the thanks to openinguptojoy1 for suggesting that Burt needed a hat. <3
> 
> Created in Paint using a laptop's built-in mouse pad.

(Pretend there's a wall between the couples)


End file.
